"writing, i thought, is more about feelings than words." these words effortlessly flew through my head (of their own volition i might add) as i sat in the bouncing 4x4 looking out into the gathering of the complete darkness that is a somali night. they lingered briefly in my mind before being chased away by other such thoughts, and i did not have time to ask them, "what do you mean?"
my internal dialogue as i travel from one place to another in somalia amazes me (oops...there goes my arrogance again!!). i feel as if i become a radio, tuning into the deepest, most primal, as well as most intelligent parts of my own & the world's sub-consciousness. somalia is essentially a lonely place, and i think that makes me turn inward for company, even as i am surrounded in the car by a deluge of people. it is as if each part of my mind become their own separate person, and suddenly, i am seeing clearly the answers to all the questions i have ever asked. it is the lanscape that does this to me. it is a primal, physical force that pulls me into itself, so that i suddenly understand myself, as well as it, better than i have ever before. but it is only a brief encounter. like writing on sand, the answers flow easily through me but they do not linger. i step out of the car, having arrived at my destination, no wiser than i was before i stepped into it. i enjoy it though; i enjoy my brief encounters with the wisdom of the world. i enjoy watching my scattered consciousness become one and then scatter again, in search for more, for next time. it is, if nothing else, and interesting & insightful mind game.
--
ironically, sometimes i feel like i'm on vacation here, because the normalcy of life does not exist. i cannot go to the bank on a saturday morning (even if i had a bank account, which at this point i don't), nor can i go to the supermarket to buy my provisions for the week (because, ya know, i do SOO much cooking). one day inexorably bleeds into the next without your knowledge...that is, if you are aware of the passing of days at all. yes, there is 'day', brighter and bigger than most days you will experience, and yes, there is 'night', dark and sharp, but you are never aware that it is in fact a friday because no day differs from the other...no day is special.
the only time you realise the days and the strangely slow passage of time is when you are booked on a flight to nairobi on monday, and all the days between you and that monday refuse to end. and finally, you find yourself on the plane, and the 3 or 4 hours between then and your landing in nairobi seem to stretch before you into an eternity that is unbearable to feel or think about. that is how i felt the first time i left somalia after 3 months. despite being quite well versed in the art of flying from one end of the world to the other, and passing time quite contently in the space of traveling, those 4 hours…i could not sleep, i could not eat, i could not read, i could not listen to music…i dreamt instead of what i would do first…chocolate brownie? mojito? chicken? hamburger?...but of course that only made the time elongate to unimaginable proportions…but still i continued to dream. what else was i to do? and then we landed. and it seemed to me that the atmosphere we moved in thickened spontaneously to sludge, so slowly was everyone moving.
…to be continued…(yes, cuz i like to think that my life is THAT thrilling…)
the overwhelming contentment that stole me at the time my feet landed in nairobi will make me forever grateful to somalia. the loneliness, the deprivation that is somalia never prepared me for the intensity of what hit me as i stuck my head out of the plane, but it did prepare me to be grateful for what i know exists elsewhere, for what i know that i have but would never appreciate if i were in another place. never in my life had i been so happy to arrive somewhere. NEVER. nor had i felt so much joy in smelling unclean air, and being stuck in traffic. the power of my feelings blew me away, and in that moment, i knew i would not let go of somalia in a hurry. yes, i love complaining about being where i am, but essentially, i am grateful because it allows me to feel such a strength of feeling that i have never felt before.
my internal dialogue as i travel from one place to another in somalia amazes me (oops...there goes my arrogance again!!). i feel as if i become a radio, tuning into the deepest, most primal, as well as most intelligent parts of my own & the world's sub-consciousness. somalia is essentially a lonely place, and i think that makes me turn inward for company, even as i am surrounded in the car by a deluge of people. it is as if each part of my mind become their own separate person, and suddenly, i am seeing clearly the answers to all the questions i have ever asked. it is the lanscape that does this to me. it is a primal, physical force that pulls me into itself, so that i suddenly understand myself, as well as it, better than i have ever before. but it is only a brief encounter. like writing on sand, the answers flow easily through me but they do not linger. i step out of the car, having arrived at my destination, no wiser than i was before i stepped into it. i enjoy it though; i enjoy my brief encounters with the wisdom of the world. i enjoy watching my scattered consciousness become one and then scatter again, in search for more, for next time. it is, if nothing else, and interesting & insightful mind game.
--
ironically, sometimes i feel like i'm on vacation here, because the normalcy of life does not exist. i cannot go to the bank on a saturday morning (even if i had a bank account, which at this point i don't), nor can i go to the supermarket to buy my provisions for the week (because, ya know, i do SOO much cooking). one day inexorably bleeds into the next without your knowledge...that is, if you are aware of the passing of days at all. yes, there is 'day', brighter and bigger than most days you will experience, and yes, there is 'night', dark and sharp, but you are never aware that it is in fact a friday because no day differs from the other...no day is special.
the only time you realise the days and the strangely slow passage of time is when you are booked on a flight to nairobi on monday, and all the days between you and that monday refuse to end. and finally, you find yourself on the plane, and the 3 or 4 hours between then and your landing in nairobi seem to stretch before you into an eternity that is unbearable to feel or think about. that is how i felt the first time i left somalia after 3 months. despite being quite well versed in the art of flying from one end of the world to the other, and passing time quite contently in the space of traveling, those 4 hours…i could not sleep, i could not eat, i could not read, i could not listen to music…i dreamt instead of what i would do first…chocolate brownie? mojito? chicken? hamburger?...but of course that only made the time elongate to unimaginable proportions…but still i continued to dream. what else was i to do? and then we landed. and it seemed to me that the atmosphere we moved in thickened spontaneously to sludge, so slowly was everyone moving.
…to be continued…(yes, cuz i like to think that my life is THAT thrilling…)
the overwhelming contentment that stole me at the time my feet landed in nairobi will make me forever grateful to somalia. the loneliness, the deprivation that is somalia never prepared me for the intensity of what hit me as i stuck my head out of the plane, but it did prepare me to be grateful for what i know exists elsewhere, for what i know that i have but would never appreciate if i were in another place. never in my life had i been so happy to arrive somewhere. NEVER. nor had i felt so much joy in smelling unclean air, and being stuck in traffic. the power of my feelings blew me away, and in that moment, i knew i would not let go of somalia in a hurry. yes, i love complaining about being where i am, but essentially, i am grateful because it allows me to feel such a strength of feeling that i have never felt before.
--
written on 13/01/07
1 comment:
i just re-read this.
beautiful!
more! more! hope sudan is equally inspiring to you as somalia was in the early days!
Post a Comment